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  • John misses his orthodontist appointment because he was playing solitaire on his phone. 
    • He is unsafe at any speed. 
    • Even stacking rocks is better than playing solitaire on your phone. 
  • 5:30- the principal was not John's friend. He beat him with a cricket bat. It had holes drilled in it. 
    • John's dad: "Go ahead, beat the shit out of him."
    • He would walk around the lunchroom swinging a tennis racquet with weights attached. 
      • If he could've taken his shirt off he would've done. 
  • 13:40- the origin of ping pong. Merlin had a 400 pound teacher who had a big ping pong paddle.
  • 19:05: Mr. Fennell would paddle you, and everyone knew what Mr. Fennell did when he hit you with the paddle. 
    • (John: What did he do? Did he groan? Merlin: He came prodigiously in his dolphin shorts.)
      • How many times can you cum while hitting someone before the school district steps in? There’s got to be some sort of form for that. 
  • 20:25- In second grade, to distinguish himself from other kids who were just in the way of his path to greatness, John began publishing his own newspaper. 
    • He was the only reporter, and the artist. Editor. They didn’t have an ombudsman. 
      • When the teacher got tired of mimeographing the newspaper for him, they gave him special access to the teacher’s broom closet. 
  • Death by a thousand cuts. It’s not an object lesson. 
    • Also is "what happens when you subcontract sadism to non-sadists.” -JR (re: the morphine that was sometimes given to the punished). 
  • Mr. Fennel would tape a star to the paddle and hit you until the star broke. And then he would stand by the door holding the paddle as class was let out. 
    • John thinks that’s fine because to do any of that today you’d have to drive around in a van, kidnap the kids and then kill them and stuff the bodies in a culvert. “Even if you went to Thailand they’d find you.” -JR
    • Merlin: “What about the dolphin shorts. I bet he got rid of them. Those guys know what to keep and what to get rid of."
  • Elizabeth Taylor’s old pantaloons for auction. John is not a 50 year old gay male. 
  • Merlin has had his mugshot taken in the same room as Peewee Herman. 
  • Merlin lives near the police. 
  • Zooey Deschanel would at least know whose call she was refusing. 
  • John on the Hold Steady: "They sound like a bunch of guys on coffee break at a software company fake-singing the employee manual in the style of Bruce Springsteen."
  • "People like Phish! People will listen to anything!"
  • 47:55- Merlin doesn't have a lot of money but he'd take whatever money he has and pay someone to never stop kicking Mike Love in the balls for eternity. 
  • The Decemberists are the Dylan to John's Donovan. 
    • Mumford and Sons sounds like the Decemberists if you took most of the character of the Decemberists away. -JR, 52:40
  • The benchmark for being a Dylan fan has been set too high. -JR
  • ~58m, John is a fan of:
    • Talking about the potential causes of WWI. 
    • Yelling about semantics, per Merlin. 
    • Formerly, sitting in a room talking about guitars and amplifiers. 
  • 1:00:30- The taxi driver problem: you don't want to talk about yourself anymore.You've told every story too many times.