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  • John is sick. He ate two cans of progresso chicken noodle soup, but he left the noodles. He is still not eating carbohydrates.
    • "For every 50 humidifiers, there is 1 dehumidifier."
    • Apparently Theraflu is almost as good as heroin. 
  • John’s parents made him take 6 years of French, and he regrets every minute. Thats 6 years of small engine repair that he forewent. He’d be Elon Musk right now, or be able to build Supertrain on his own. 
    • And play Uno on it, normally a French train activity. 
  • John plans to get his daughter into Karate so that she’s automatically cast into nerdom in high school.
    • Better than Magic the Gathering: “Well, I don’t want her to be retarded.”—JR
  • John and Merlin do not believe that Iceland exists. You have to measure their currency by the price of mushrooms.